10 Things I Love About You
I once worked together with a group of women sharing a common goal of wanting to fuel better. We all took turns being the one who was unreasonably hard on ourself one week, and picking up whoever was being unreasonably hard on themselves the next week.
One week, a woman who was being unreasonably hard on herself was assigned to make a list of 10 things she likes about herself.
It took her two days to complete that list.
It broke my heart when she was in tears telling us how hard it was for her to complete that list.
It broke my heart because I get it.
I remember when it would have taken me just as long and have been just as hard to complete that list.
It also broke my heart because it reminded how much it sucks that many of us, myself included, have to actively fight against messages we receive from the media. We are brought up in a world where even grown ass woman can’t think of 10 things they like about themselves. I know, I know, we can’t blame just the media. I don’t know how she grew up, who she surrounds herself with, and other similar details, but I grew up in home full of love and I still would have had a hard time completing that list.
If this how grown women feel, imagine what youth females are thinking about themselves.
We don’t scroll on social media and consciously think, “I’m comparing myself to him/her.” Some of you might, but the real damage happens subconsciously. We see so many messages at once when we scroll on social media, so we don’t really know what we are thinking. I have a meditation and journaling practice that causes me to be self aware. But even that, plus teaching others this stuff, does not fully protect me from falling into the comparison trap. I’m still human.
You know the saying you are what you eat? You are also your thoughts. In James Allen’s book from 1903, As a Man Thinketh, he writes:
“Just as a gardener cultivates his plot, keeping it free from weeds, and growing the flowers and fruits which he requires, so may a man tend the garden of his mind, weeding out all the wrong, useless, and impure thoughts, and cultivating toward perfection the flowers and fruits of right, useful, and pure thoughts. By pursuing this process, a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. He also reveals, within himself, the laws of thought, and understands, with ever-increasing accuracy, how the thought-forces and mind elemtents operate in the shaping of his character, circumstances and destiny.”
In other words, when it comes to your thoughts, you are what you consume. Therefore, I don’t watch the news, I’m very particular about who I follow on social media, and I’ll even monitor the lyrics I let my brain listen to depending on how I’m feeling. For instance, when I’m feeling down, I only listen to positive podcasts, or my Happy Playlist.
This brings me back to my why; why I started The Better Coach (TBC). I started TBC because I was not always confident. I used to be painfully shy and hate myself. I believe I was born shy and timid, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (if you are, too, I suggest reading the book Quiet by Susan Caine and learning about why those things are superpowers). I do not believe I was born hating myself. I believe there was a lot of different things that went into that, like I said earlier, and those are all part of why I do this.
I do this so female youth athletes don’t have the same experience I had. I do this to build physically resilient and mentally strong female youth athletes on and off the field. I do this because there is something in my gut that is telling me to keep sharing my story because there are people out there for me to help.
And by the way, I am still shy and I have days where I don’t feel confident.
But even on those days, I love myself.
You can learn how to like yourself, even love yourself eventually, and how to build confidence on and off the field. Spoiler alert, unlike social media, it won’t be instantaneous. But I promise you that it will be worth it.
I have a free e-booklet on confidence exercises. You can get it here: Confidence Exercises.
One of those exercises, The Awesome List, is the assignment this article started off with, but extra. The Awesome List is a list of 100 things you like about yourself. You can put anything you want on there from winning a writing contest in third grade, to being the best dog mom in the world (yes, both of these examples are straight from my list).
I know people who have forced themselves to sit down and do this in one sitting. I did not do that, but I am confident that I will eventually get to 100 things that are awesome about myself. I think I got to around 40 in one sitting, and have been chipping away at it ever since.
Confidence is a muscle, just like strength training.
If you don’t look at the confidence exercises, and you don’t do shit after reading this blog, the one thing that has helped me build confidence the most is integrity. To me, integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching. The best way to build self-esteem is to do esteemable things just because (that means not posting or telling people about them).
The second thing that has helped me build confidence the most is being impeccable with my word. If I say I am going to show up, I show up. This means to everyone, including myself. So, if I say I am going to wake up early, I wake up early. Furthermore, if I tell my friend I will do this thing, I do the thing. No matter what.
You can think of this as a confidence bank. Every time you do the right thing when no one is watching, every time you make a commitment and stick with it, you are adding a small deposit into the bank. Those deposits will compound over time making your earnings go through the roof.
I want to stress that this TAKES TIME. And, if you fall short one day, that’s okay. Just do the next right thing, and maybe readjust a goal. For instance, if you sleep until 10 am every day, waking up at 5 am every day might be a stretch. Take little actions. They will compound over time.
Resources in this article:
Quiet by Susan Caine (not an amazon link because borrow from your local library instead)
As a Man Thinketh by James Allen (also not an amazon link because buy from a local book store instead)
My Happy Playlist (but I encourage you to make your own)
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